


a manifest against beauty

by thegreatmoon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Moon Taeil-centric, Triggers, my atempt at realism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-08 05:16:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21470659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatmoon/pseuds/thegreatmoon
Summary: "did you know, a rose is undoubtedly beautiful?”“kant doesn’t believe that. neither do i.”; taeil is rejected once more in favor of his pretty friend and is set on his agenda against gorgeous people.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Moon Taeil/Qian Kun
Comments: 10
Kudos: 81
Collections: NCT Rarepair





	a manifest against beauty

**Author's Note:**

> first off, thanks to the mods for this fest! as a taeil ulted I know very well the difference in numbers between famous and not so famous ships so i’m really happy we get to explore dynamics that are often overlooked 
> 
> thank you, prompter. i identified myself with the character you described right away and couldn’t help but pour a lot of me in taeil. i hope you like the final result and tell me what you think ^-^ 
> 
> last of all, i imagined kun and taeil fat for this fic. you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but i put some descriptions to match this idea. fat is beautiful <3 this will handle beauty standards, matters of weight and such, so if it’s a delicate theme for you, please read with care 
> 
> end notes for triggers, this is unbetaed & prompt #51
> 
> xx  
sol

Taeil looked up to find eyes staring directly into his. They were slightly red and shining, probably due to what he had had earlier that evening, but turned into half moons in his weak attempt to smile. Even a bit dizzy and with a foggy mind, he tried focusing himself on the man in the mirror. His red hair, that once had left his home perfectly styled, was a bit messy, a thread here and there going to a direction it wasn’t supposed to be and frizz more apparent. His eyeliner remained on point, enhancing his lynx eyes, as well as his gloss, what was no wonder, since he had applied it earlier during the party, making sure his plump lips caught at least some attention. They sure were unique, with vertical lines marking its surface and giving it the dehydrated appearance Taeil tried to uncover. How many times had he heard he was supposed to wear lip balm due to those lips of his. He threw himself a kiss in the mirror cheekily and his high cheekbones rose higher. The lynx eyes lingered to another charm: the scar on his left cheek. With another shaky smile, Taeil looked at himself, fixing his black silk shirt before stuffing his chest playfully. He tried his best to lift his head so his double chin wouldn’t show. A loud knock on the bathroom brought him back to reality and he only had the chance to see himself one last time. _ Pretty._

To describe his steps as erratic would be too gentle of a word, but Taeil could still walk and that was enough. He observed the party unfolding before his eyes. People chattering, drinking, playing games casually. He was happy it was a house party, more warming and casual than going to the club. Even though he enjoyed dancing, it bored him after a while, and he found a conversation much more pleasurable, especially with someone he was interested in. His eyes scanned to find a familiar face. He found too many, but they were as familiar as uninteresting. A soft poke on his shoulders made him turn on his heels to find a man his height with a catlike half-smile on his lips.

“Looking for me, huh?”

Taeil was too dumbfounded by his beauty to reply anything smart. “Yeah.”

The man’s smile grew wider and his eyes disappeared for a millisecond. Even if his cheekbones weren’t as sharp as Taeil’s and his eyes were bigger, they still completely shut themselves whenever he laughed or squinted them in distrust. Taeil couldn’t tell for which reason they vanished the most, Ten did the two expressions fairly often, even if only expressing distrust playfully.

_ Play with your hair. Lick your lips. Laugh at his jokes. Touch his shoulder. Show interest. _ Taeil reminded himself, continuing the left of the conversation he had suddenly halted for too much beer would have to leave his body one way or another and he’d rather he was in the bathroom, whatever way it decided to go. He had always had some trouble flirting, having heard countless times he was straight, even from boys he had shown interested in. Taeil laughed awkwardly and informed he was bisexual, only for their utter shock.

Puzzled beyond belief about the discovery on how people viewed him, Taeil resumed to what he did best: observing people. Being quiet and lost in his own world, few people would generally pinpoint him as an observer, but Taeil was of the opinion that a human being could do more than one thing at a time. Taeyong was picked as a lab rat, without his knowledge. Astutely, he kept up with his friend’s every move, as he dazzled men, women, boys and girls in gatherings, between classes and even walking on the street. He finally picked the difference.

Taeyong looked. Taeil talked. Years of hearing he should lose some pounds and perhaps he’d be prettier had made it rather hard for Taeil to trust his lynx eyes to flirt with anyone. Much rather, he would love conversations. If he couldn’t change his body image no matter how healthily he ate or how much he exercised, he could at least expand his brain and have some intriguing conversation. He thought everyone to be the same, after all, people fell for a person’s personality, not their looks. Or at least, they claimed to do so. Taeil was learning the hard way that just because he thought a certain way, it didn’t mean the rest of the world followed his logic. He was proved wrong again when Ten interrupted Taeil mid-laugh.

“Dude, can I ask you something?” He blinked at the sudden question, trying to recompose himself on time and nodding promptly. “Would Taeyong be up to something with me?”

Taeil’s smile didn’t match his own feelings. He hoped it wouldn’t be too staged for Ten to notice. Then again, he didn’t notice Taeil’s flirting to the point he asked about his friend, so perhaps it wouldn’t matter much. “He’s friends with Sicheng.”

Ten cursed under his breath, eyes dropping to where Taeyong stood in all his glory, quietly listening to Yuta talk. “Damn. Sicheng is friends with everybody, isn't he?”

“You dated the most gorgeous man in university and expected him not to be friends with the second. Lack of social skills.” The comment was made nonchalantly, sarcasm being the weapon of choice for his protection. Taeil was still puzzled. “Where do you know Taeyong from?”

“We’ve talked a little here and there…” The answer surprised him, though it shouldn’t have. Ten finally took his daydreaming eyes from Taeyong and returned Taeil’s attention. “What were we talking about?”

“Don’t recall.” He lied, knowing they were having a strong debate over Drake’s best album. His will to continue any conversation whatsoever with Ten had vanished when Taeyong was mentioned. A misstep had turned an easygoing discussion into an interaction in which Taeil couldn’t express more than a few words. He excused himself and said he would be going to the restroom, but instead ran to the bedroom.

Thankfully, Yuta had very strict rules about sex in places he slept in and Taeil found it empty. He sat on the bed, emotionless. He didn’t feel anything besides great detachment. He fell he didn’t feel. It was no wonder how sarcastic was Taeil considering the paradox in his state of mind.

He started to rethink every single moment he had with Ten. They had become acquaintances easily, Taeil had first known gotten to known Sicheng but was never very close to him, getting the sense he was like the popular boys in school he had never gotten along with. It was proved he had some sort of truth in his feelings when he broke up with Ten and got the friends in the divorce, leaving his ex with only Kun to rely on.

What could Taeil say, he had a soft spot for the miserable and young. He picked Ten up slowly, never getting close to his heart to discuss the breakup, but serving as a trusted company in the cold university halls and for chit chats in awkward places, such as parties. They learned that they had a very similar musical taste, as well as a great appreciation for cats, sharing adorable kitten videos as they talked, dreaming of the day they’d have their own cats to play with once they left the university dorms.

Taeyong interrupted some of those conversations from time to time to talk to his friend or say Taeil was needed somewhere else. Taeil left them on their own to go to wherever party emergency he was needed. Watching the two talk, Taeil didn’t feel threatened in the slightest bit. He could feel Ten wasn’t going to be like the others.

Cut to two weeks later, Taeil laying on Yuta’s bed, completely groundless. His blood was boiling like careful witches made a potion, but still felt cold in comparison to the environment.

A few looks from Taeyong had made more wonders than weeks of Taeil’s conversations and bonding. Who could have said? Taeil surely could. He wished Ten was the first, but the list was longer than he would like to admit. There was Mark, who simply declared he was in love with Taeyong after having run up with Taeil talking to his friend in a park and having cloud watched with them, laying on the tall grass. Taeil merely laughed at him, in complete shock when listening to the desperate confession while Yong was buying refreshments for them. He had been the first to be so bold over his adoration for Yong and Taeil couldn’t believe his ears. Taeil had never believed in love at first sight, it had never happened to him, but Mark was convinced he had just found his soulmate.

Taeil had brushed that occurrence, yet it happened constantly that men and women approached him to get to Taeyong. He hadn’t minded at first, but felt weirdly cold-hearted when he met his colleagues of high school at a reunion and a girl who had never spared him a look in the halls announced she met Taeyong previously and had seen Taeil in his Instagram. Smiling, Taeil complimented his friend, saying they had met at college, but Seulgi seemed insistent on Taeyong’s beauty and asked Taeil for his number, which she didn’t get.

The last time he was put in such an uncomfortable situation he was kissing a man, drunk out of his mind against a wall. He sobered up in an instant when the man suggested he “call his pretty friend to make things more interesting.”

Pretty friend. _ Pretty. _

A sudden weight on the mattress was felt by Taeil but he didn’t change his position, keeping his eyes at the fan on the ceiling. He hadn’t noticed how hot it was, blood too cold to perceive temperature, but was glad the fan was on or else it could ruin the state of his hair even further. Destroy his selfstem, it was already low anyway, but god forbid ruining his hair.

The body next to him laid still breathed loud. Taeil couldn’t possibly know who it was, bed too big allowing for more than one person to share its space without touching each other. The person didn’t say a word. The fan spun and so did Taeil’s thoughts.

“What do you consider beauty?” He inquired, not moving an inch from his position on the bed. The lack of answers made him question if he had actually worded it out loud or if it was only in his mind.

“Something subjective.” The reply brushed the thoughts away. The voice was sweet but clearly male. It was slightly nasal and that was how Taeil found out who his bed-partner was.

Taeil digested the words. “Huh.”

“Disagree?” The bed-sharer didn’t sound upset, but rather amused.

Taeil started tracing patterns on his own skin. He had always had the habit of caressing his own arm, never quite understanding why. That same soft-touch turned into ugly scratches whenever faced with an anxious situation, but he never noticed those until facing a mirror. Once, his philosophy teacher picked on the habit and commented: “it looks like you’re giving yourself affection.” She probably didn’t think of what she was saying and yet those words made a deeper scar in his brain than any of those scratches did.

“Beauty is standard. I used to think it was up to the person’s opinion, but it isn’t.” He thought of every time someone claimed a person was gorgeous or even when they critiqued their looks. They mostly trailed the same path. Taeil wanted a new map, he was getting tired.

The answer came after a pregnant pause. The spinning fan and the muffled chatter from the party filled the space between them. His bed partner pounded over Taeil’s thesis but politely disagreed. “Of course there’s something the structure puts upon us, but it’s still subjective. Even if more subtle.”

The red-haired was tired of arguing while staring at the fan and turned around, to look at the intruder. The other turned to his direction, eyes sparkling as he used his hand as support for his head. His cheeks were even chubbier than they usually were and it somehow enhanced his nose, which was already big. He had thick eyebrows and lips, but Taeil mostly admired his forehead and how his light brown hair seemed never to fall on it.

His style was something rather… complicated to quite put a word on it. He wasn’t of the likes of Taeyong, who wore the same thing as everyone, overly following the latest trend. Kun wore big college hoodies and old men sweaters. Fortunately that night, it was just the hoodie, but countless were the times Taeil betted with himself if Kun would appear with another pastel sweater and a sarcastic smile never failed his lips when he was proven right again.

“The twenty-first century gives us the lie of freedom but there’s only socialization.” His answer was stoic, and if he had pouted it would sound like he was a rebel child against the system, but it was only due to exhaustion.

Kun didn’t seem affected by Taeil’s mood, a playful smile on his lips. “And yet you still like men, even when you were taught not to.”

That statement changed something inside Taeil. He felt something. He couldn’t quite put words to it, perhaps a mix of surprise, delight and disagreement. Weren’t he so damn focused on what had just happened, Kun might have made his night with his assumption he wasn’t straight. He had been the first in a long time.

He almost asked Kun what gave it away. Was it the make up, his personal fashion or the way he behaved? Had he noticed his flirtations with Ten? Or did Taeil finally start showing that gay vibe so many men seemed to show?

“Liking men or not, people are still attracted to _pretty_ men.” He retorted, recalling his girl friend who used to write ‘to love another woman is revolutionary’ but ended up falling for the same standard girls as every other boy would. How revolutionary was that indeed.

Kun’s smile grew. It had some sort of sweetness to it, an innocence generally found in children, not in drunk university boys. “Funny, I didn’t know everyone was attracted to you.”

Taeil’s blood heated up. The pressure of the room changed. Muffled sounds of the party went completely mute and his eyes lingered to Kun’s thick lips for the first time. He had seen the smile, but never what turned it in reality.

“Don’t play games with me.” He murmured, but still leaned in. Never had he noticed how pretty Kun was, but having him so close to him, it was something impossible to miss.

“Stop me.” He approached Taeil and perhaps the red haired was lonely, or Kun was gorgeous, or Taeil couldn’t resist anyone flirting with him, but he finally took his eyes from Kun’s lips to meet them with his own lips.

It didn’t start slow, but there was no way for it to happen. Taeil couldn’t tell if the alcohol breath came from his own mouth or Kun’s but he didn’t mind. He just pressed their lips together and wasn’t disappointed to find Kun’s were as soft as they looked.

Kun placed his hand on his nape and brought his body closer. It would be hard to identify which part of his body wasn’t touching the other. Taeil opened his mouth and was happy the other followed his lead, and it turned into a french kiss. Kun was as ardent as Taeil and when his other hand placed on the red haired one’s waist, Taeil had no choice but to press Kun’s body against the bed as he sat on his lap with his legs spread. For a second he was afraid he had gone too far.

If he stopped to think about it logically, he had just kissed the man a few minutes ago, but he already had his arms on his neck, his ass was standing terribly close to Kun’s pelvis and it wasn’t as if he wasn’t ready to roll his hips. Once again that night, Kun brushed his thoughts away, as he grabbed his waist, fingers pressing on his ass, and brought Taeil’s body closer to him.

The red haired squirmed, but didn’t dare take his lips from Kun’s. One of his hands trailed down from his neck to his chest, feeling his heart beating fast under the big hoodie. A drip of sweat fell from his forehead, but Taeil didn’t mind. If he could, he would get rid of Kun’s hoodie, but rolling his lips on his pelvic area was already too much, so he chose to just keep at it. He did a particular hard roll, hoping to feel something come up from Kun’s jeans, but instead got a muffled moan from him. Their lips parted for a second and Kun adjusted Taeil’s lose strain of hair.

“Fuck, Taeil, you’re too much.” He whispered and even if his body was already hot, Taeil felt his cheeks warming up. Kun approached him again to kiss his neck.

Taeil closed his eyes, continuing to move his hips with deeper and slower moves. One of Kun’s hands moved from his ass to unbutton his black silk shirt. He knew they couldn’t possibly have sex in Yuta’s room without getting murdered, but he let it anyway. Wiggling his hips on Kun’s lap made him feel worshiped somehow and he just gave in to the feeling.

Opening his eyes for a split second he saw a very known mane of black hair. In a matter of moments, his blood turned frozen again and, before poor Kun could even understand what was happening, Taeil jumped from his lap.

The room, that previously only had the sound of that old fan spinning and their moans and whines, suffered from yells.

“Oh my god, Taeyong-“

“I was just leaving!”

He did look apologetic, with those big doe eyes of his and a frown. Taeil couldn’t find in himself to pity those eyes anymore. Had he ever been warm-hearted enough to believe anything Taeyong told him?

Taeil heard a sigh and turned to Kun. He was still keeping up with his breath and had a flush across his fair skin. How pretty. Taeyong remained in the room and Taeil had to face his friend again.

“Do you want to go home?” He inquired, buttoning his shirt up. Taeyong stood still, shaking his head. “Wanted to check on you.”

He looked surprised. It wasn’t a normal occurrence for Taeil to be found making out with men in parties, especially one that he actually knew the name of. Taeil’s blood was turning colder by the second.

“I’m fine. Gotta tell you something later.”

“I hate when you do this.” Taeyong whined, but Taeil didn’t spare him a glance, placing his hand on Kun’s knee, who went tense under his touch, but didn’t run away from it. He smiled, sugary as always, and thaw never seemed closer.

“Tell me now.” Taeyong requested, taking Taeil’s eyes to his direction again. He crossed his arms against his chest and his expression turned annoyed. He often acted that way when contradicted and it tainted his pure beauty.

He stood as a model, slim body fitting his simple dark skinny jeans and grey shirt perfectly. He wore some rings and earrings, but nothing that different from what people would see around. His hair was natural pitch black and it blocked his forehead, making his big doe eyes the first thing someone would see when looking at his face, followed by his thin aristocratic nose, and the straight line, also known as his lips. His face ended sharply, in his almost triangle-like chin, which made him look even slimmer. It still baffled Taeil how he couldn’t possibly have seen how standard his friend was when he first met him.

“Yong…” The red haired shot a warning, but wasn’t heard.

“Tell me now.” Taeyong demanded again. It wasn’t so much the request, but the way he made it and how he couldn’t possibly listen to someone say no that annoyed Taeil. Before being friends with him, he had never imagined people were treated differently. Then, slowly, he started seeing how pretty people were handled with special care and how hard and rare it was for Taeyong to hear a simple denial. He was spoiled rotten by society and it was impossible for Taeil not to hold a grudge against him for it.

The leg under Taeil’s hand started moving, but he pressed his hand. “Stay, Kun. If Taeyong wants to listen now, you can stay.” His bed-sharer’s eyes seemed slightly concerned, but he stayed nonetheless. Taeil turned his head to the man who was impatiently tapping his feet on the floor. “Ten asked about you.”

The bright in his eyes, the curve in his lips, the amused sound that left his mouth. Everything brought Taeil disgust. “And what did you say?”

“That you wouldn’t, because of Sicheng.” Taeil informed, bitterness and sarcasm forming a weird looking smile on his lips. He was waiting for Taeyong to leave, and yet he looked lost in a daydream.

“Well, Sicheng is dating Jaehyun...” He murmured loudly, mind losing focus. Kun’s leg fidgeted under Taeil’s touch and he felt sorry for holding him hostage during that interaction.

“Well, why don’t you go tell that to Ten and leave me be?”

Taeyong didn’t waste time, skipping out of the room, lost in his fairyland. Taeil sighed, feeling a weight leave his body as he turned to apologize to Kun for making him endure that. Before he could say anything, the other muttered something that was well heard.

“Wow, Ten is really blind.” Taeil frowned, puzzled by what he meant. Kun dragged himself closer to Taeil, finding yet another lose strain of red hair to place behind his ear. Their eyes met after he was done fixing it. “Not seeing how you were flirting with him and asking you about your best friend, how dumb must he be?”

Kun had picked on his flirting, while no one else had. The thought made him blush in shame. How pathetic must he have looked in front of Kun as he laughed octaves louder than it would be expected or found numerous reasons to touch Ten’s shoulder.

“He’s not dumb. Just blinded by beauty.” Taeil pointed out. He wasn’t angry at Ten. He wasn’t even angry at Taeyong. They followed paths already written down for them. Their own beauty was their cage. It wouldn’t allow them to see beyond the superficial or understand people admired them due to their surface. In the end, they were helpless damsels, and Taeil shouldn’t hold a grudge just because he was the ugly overlooked dragon.

Kun didn’t seem affected by Taeil’s words. His thumb brushed through the older’s bottom lip. “Yeah, red-haired men are really dangerous for the eyes.”

Taeil chuckled and gave him a light push, pressing him against the bed. “Fucking cheesy.” He whispered, before kissing him again.

❊❊❊

Normality returned as it should. Taeil continued talking to Taeyong and texting him as before. Sure he sometimes skipped opportunities to talk to Ten, having no will whatsoever to hear him blabber on about Taeyong. People who confessed about their crushes seemed to have a hard time talking about anything else. Taeil remained diplomatic, shooting his discreet smile to the ones who would see it and frequently muttering comments when no one would listen. Life remained great as always, but something tickled under his skin.

Kun hadn’t been spotted in over a week. Taeil didn’t know what exactly he would do seeing Kun but not seeing him had somehow driven him to a state of constant edge on when that would happen. Anytime he would see Ten, his eyes would scan the room to see if his friend was nearby, anyone with a university hoodie caught his attention for more time than it should and a slightly unfamiliar voice would make his heart skip a beat.

Taeyong would probably know where to find Kun, he knew everyone in that damn university. Taeil wasn’t going to ask, already imagining the endless questions he would make, from where did he meet Kun to when did they start making out. Besides hating Taeyong’s endless questionnaires, he couldn’t answer any of those. When had he met Kun? He just appeared in his life someday along with the sea of people who studied in the same university as him and shared common friends. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the day he had seen or even talked to Kun the first time or when he had learned his name.

Cut to the next scene, Taeil being nervous about Qian Kun and greeting the man when he was about to leave his classroom.

Kun had approached him first, a sweet smile showing his left cheek dimple, and light brown hair fluffier than ever. Taeil’s throat emitted a sound of discontent before he could stop himself, but he still faked an easygoing smile.

He didn’t want to say anything more. He didn’t even know what he wanted Kun to do either. Perhaps just that interaction to end, so he could go home watch new episodes of his favorite variety show. Kun bounced on his feet.

“Not gonna talk about…” He didn’t finish the sentence but it wasn’t hard to pick up from there. Taeil had the sense to at least look a bit sorry.

“Ah, it’s hard to explain…” He already had to do that to Yuta while still drunk as being screamed at. Thankfully most of the party had already gone home and the music was still too loud for anyone to listen. He was also most thankful he was still dressed, as proof to Yuta that things didn’t go further than some intense make out, but nothing would calm the room-owner, as he claimed things would have definitely gone that way hadn’t they been interrupted.

“How about over coffee? Coffee can always make things better.”

“I don’t like coffee.”

“That’s why they serve tea.” Taeil raised his eyebrow at the quick response. Kun seemed to understand he had come off stronger than he had wanted. “But I’ll understand if you don’t want to go.”

He took a long look at Kun’s outfit. Wearing a pastel blue sweater and jeans, he wasn’t as badly dressed as Taeil expected him to be. “No, let’s go. When?”

“Are you free now?”

Plans for a cozy afternoon were washed over and Taeil found himself sitting in front of Kun while taking a sip of his mint tea. He hadn’t taken mint tea in a long time and it never failed to relax him. He was even more relaxed due to being well dressed that day, red jeans matching his hair and grey shirt making sure the scarlet color would stand out. The few times he didn’t feel like dressing himself, he hated to stay outside more than necessary, but that day he could sip his tea in peace.

Even though the initial idea for the coffee encounter was to discuss their endeavours of last week, Kun didn’t make any mention to talk about the subject. Instead, he just shared a little about the latest poetry book he was reading for his Literature Class. Taeil nodded along and commented that he didn’t have patience or talent for poems, while Kun opposed his idea of talentry. It was an amusing discussion and his arguments were easy to follow. In the end, Taeil concluded he didn’t know much about the matter to add in.

“It intrigues me you’re a philosophy major.” Kun took a bite of his red velvet cake and offered it to Taeil, who kindly refused.

“I like making dumb questions to the universe, what can I do.”

“Don’t you think Philosophy is more like History of Philosophy than Philosophy?”

“Great dumb question.” Taeil replied and the simplicity of the answer made them both chuckle. Kun’s eyes vanished when he laughed and that made Taeil suddenly remember of Ten. However, Kun tried his hardest not showing his teeth, and ended up straining his smile.

“Who do you plan on studying?” He inquired, before any sort of odd silence could settle between them.

No one really cared about what a philosophy major was studying, unless it was something edgy like Nietzche or Sartre and so Taeil would usually brush the question away or say something vague, but he decided to give Kun a shot. Talking about philosophy would perhaps drive his undivided attention away. “I have a thing for annoying men, so perhaps Kant or Hume. I like their revolutionary perspectives on beauty.”

“That’s a recurring theme for you.” Flashbacks of the week before went through Taeil’s head and the same must have happened to Kun, because soon he inquired, in his polite tone of his: “Tell me, did Ten’s question lead you to that state?”

Taeil took a sip of his tea and his left hand started caressing his right arm. “What state?”

“You looked… _soulless_.”

The word was almost as if transferred to Taeil’s mouth and he could taste it. Soulless. It had the same feel as paper, only with a different texture. It tasted like paper but felt like air. A word to embody lack of emotions. Even taking pride in his vocabulary, Taeil had never thought of this specific word, but quickly grew attached to it.

“I _am_ soulless.” He answered back, now enjoying pronouncing it. It was freeing to talk of himself in such a way. “But how do you know that?”

Kun, thankfully, misread the question, not understanding Taeil was inquiring on how did he get to the conclusion he was soulless. Instead, he focused on Ten. All the ways lead to the pretty people at last. “He told me you vanished after he asked about Taeyong.” Taeil nodded and played with his spoon in the teacup. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him about us.”

“Makes no difference.” Taeil replied, harshly. His eyes traveled to Kun’s face and the man looked apprehensive, biting his bottom lip and clicking his nails against the table. It didn’t take him long to hate Taeil’s presence. “Did you know, a rose is undoubtedly beautiful?”

His date shook his head, but no hint of a smile was there to see. “Kant doesn’t believe that. Neither do I.”

Taeil was more than appalled someone from outside his major could gather up Kant to counter argument him. He doubted Kun had ever gone through the boresome hell that was kantian reading, but appreciated the effort.

“You think roses are ugly?”

“Not at all, I just look for more unique flowers.” His eyes shone as they settled on Taeil.

He dropped his teacup again and returned to caressing himself. “Weeds that suck the life of everything nearby?”

Kun shook his head, acting as if Taeil couldn’t see the obvious. “I refute you completely. Moonflowers that only open themselves when the night falls and no one is nearby are my favorite.”

There it was again. That weird feeling. Any feeling would be strange for Taeil, but this one was even weirder. His blood boiled and the tea wasn’t as hot for him anymore. Kun’s soft eyes changed something inside Taeil and he couldn’t exactly say what. The only thing he knew was that he hated to feel and at that moment, Qian Kun was the only one doing that to him. Therefore, he hated Qian Kun.

“They are never going to open up with you so close.”

Kun chuckled and leaned back in his chair, taking a big bite of his cake and chewing it slowly. He only ever spoke again after he had swallowed it. “I am patient. Want to go out for coffee again?”

❊❊❊

  
Trying not to emit loud sounds, Taeil took one step at a time in the hallway. There was no way out of it, he couldn’t go back without making a fool at himself, he had just told Yuta he would be going off to class and that left him stuck in the middle of the river, having to choose between the deadly forest or the even deadlier swamp. Perhaps if Taeil was a helpless damsel a knight would rescue him, but he was a dragon. Pity how people thought only because he had fire breath he could fend for himself.

In distress, he almost made the political decision of going back to Yuta, claiming he hated classes, he could afford to skip another one and get drunk in the middle of the day. It wouldn’t affect him so much if he ended up losing the class before exams, his academic life was nonexistent.

He could just stay where he was and expect the people he was avoiding to simply disappear or cross the hall without noticing him. That was, of course, impossible, as his bright red hair would serve of no help in his disguise. Perhaps if there was a fire hydrant in the university halls, but that wasn’t the case. Taeil had dyed his hair wanting to stand out in a crowd of black haired people, but lately it had only brought him headaches.

Having decided to stay exactly where he was, he saw the two people coming his direction on the hall, which caused a slight panic. He started walking rapidly in the opposite direction, hoping he would find Yuta fast enough, but instead spotted someone who would easily scare anyone who tried interrupting them.

“Quick, act like you’re talking to me.” Taeil demanded, a bit ruder than he had wanted. He shot his savior an apologetic smile.

“I don’t need to act.” Kun replied, his face grave. He soon softened up. “What’s up?”

Taeil rolled his eyes and the idea of pretending to puke did cross his head, but he didn’t want to look too dramatic. “Ten and Taeyong are chattering and I don’t want to talk to them.”

“Hm.” He said. Taeil was confused. For someone who said he didn’t have to act like they were talking, it didn’t look like Kun was doing much of it. “Have you told Taeyong about your crush on Ten?”

He almost tried shushing Kun right there, afraid someone might have listened. He wouldn’t want the rest of university whispering about another failed Moon Taeil crush. When he had made sure no one nearby had heard it, he looked back to Kun, eyes capable of shooting daggers. “When have I ever told him anything?”

“Isn’t he your friend?”

“I don’t have friends.”

“You’re always together.”

“I hate being lonely.” Kun didn’t reply and their tête-à-tête fell through finally. Taeil chose to continue, but with a lighter tone of voice so it wouldn’t turn on another discussion. “Taeyong and I used to be friends but… I started noticing things that I couldn’t overlook… it's not even his fault if I’m being honest.”

“What is it?”

“Taeyong is gorgeous and that molded his life. His friends are all equally gorgeous. He’s never had someone outside from the beauty pattern in his life…” Taeil’s confession slipped from his lips and he started caressing his left arm without noticing. Never had he talked about his friendship with Taeyong. Then again, no one asked. “While I was excluded in high school and resorted to finding happiness in books and games, Taeyong was living his best life, losing his virginity at 15, going out with friends every weekend and acing tests, because when hasn’t a teacher been soft to the pretty boy?”

He lifted his eyes from Kun’s chest, breathing temporarily halted. His eyes caught something moving behind him and he observed with surprise Taeyong and Ten walking together while laughing, as if they were in a commercial. For a second Taeil had completely forgotten about them. Kun hummed, catching Taeil’s attention again. He had one eyebrow raised. How gorgeous.

“That’s the most you have ever talked to me.”

Taeil was ready to dispute that statement. They had met in university halls and chatted more than once, even going out for coffee more than once, but he recalled Kun did most of the talking in these.

“I immediately regret it.”

“You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t hide what you feel either.”

Taeil shook his head and took a step back. “I have at least a bit of sense my feelings are ugly. I’m deformed inside and out, Kun. That’s why I’m alone.”

Taking a short look to be sure Ten and Taeyong had gone away, he waved goodbye at Kun and went back to class.

❊❊❊

  
God had blessed pretty people with beauty but not with the least sense of social skills apparently. Then again, Taeil should know that as most people caved in due to their handsomeness, they were probably not used to someone who was deeply horrified by it.

“Taeyong and I have been talking more!” Ten announced excitedly, making that 5 minute conversation way longer than it should be.

“That’s great.” Taeil didn’t bother faking a smile and quickly grabbed his phone to show his disinterest. The next sentence made him lock his phone instantly.

“He’s so smart.”

He didn’t have to fake a smile anymore. Being pretty was such a personality trait that it overcame any other. Few were the times Taeil had heard he was smart besides from his own family, but countless were the occasions he heard some of the people that were, their quote, “in love” with Taeyong claim he was of unspoken intelligence. Even Yuta, who had gotten first place in exams, wasn’t picked for such compliments.

It wouldn’t annoy Taeil so much if he hadn’t known for a fact Taeyong was one of the dumbest people he had the pleasure of knowing. It didn’t make him feel good about himself classifying people in such way but he had given up on finding any grey mass in Taeyong’s brain when he had straight out cut Taeil from a conversation claiming “he knew things no one cared about.” Taeil was discussing the lack of studies on Haitian Revolution with Jungwoo and Taeyong was lucky their mutual friend was there because Taeil was one step from calling him a racist pig. Not hiding the despise from his face, Taeil simply commented “A man who does not know or care about History is doomed to a life of blindness.”

Not only was his friend dumb, he just didn’t care to learn more or had any will to know any more than he did. Any academic debate bored him out of his mind, and even Taeil, who hated university grounds as if they were cursed, deemed Taeyong to need knowledge too much to act like that. To add onto that, Taeyong failed to keep up with references and Taeil had to explain any snarky comment or joke he made, for a man without background was indeed as blind as he wished to be. It had driven Taeil crazy to the point that he couldn’t even make mention of popular movies such as Pan’s Labyrinth without being dragged by Taeyong for speaking too much nonsense. Rather than being dragged or checking every single word he spoke, Taeil decided to keep his thoughts to himself more often.

“Oh yeah, ask him about his insight on the Haitian revolution. His ideas will blow your mind.” Taeil commented, with an easy smile on his lips. He couldn’t tell who he was laughing at: Taeyong for being able to fool everyone, Ten for being as blind as they came, or himself for ever considering Ten was different than everyone else.

“We are going to a party tomorrow.”

Taeil choked on his own spit with the news. “You’re going?”

“Yeah, so are you, right?”

“Catch me wearing the prettiest outfit.”

Cut to the next scene, Taeil wearing a dark purple shirt that stuck to his body more than he’d usually like, but he was feeling bold that night, and had the skinniest of his dark jeans on. Gone overboard with the purple agenda, he put on purple lipstick to match and had dark eyeshadow applied to his eyes. The eyeliner would make his lynx eyes more mysterious and he was happy with the result. In the party itself, he didn’t feel so confident.

“When is Ten arriving?” Taeyong asked, once again, to Taeil’s dismay. He took a long sip from his soju beer. One more night of being Taeyong’s wing man. One more night of looking pretty and no one seeing. Pretty.

“Ask him.”

“You’re being so rude lately.” Taeyong whined, but Taeil was unfazed. His eyes laid on Taeyong’s bare right arm, where his tattoo of a rose was.

“I’m despicable, what can I do.” He didn’t waste more time to go to the drinking area to get more beer. There was no use in being there if he wasn’t getting shitface drunk. A light poking on his left shoulder got him to look around and he found himself facing the only person who could save him from that party.

“You came.” Taeil breathed out in total awe by Kun’s presence. He was wearing one of his numerous sweatshirts, but it had a V-cut collar, giving an amazing sight to his chest. Taeil’s eyes glittered and he couldn’t help but get closer to him, almost as an automatic response.

“Couldn’t leave a moonflower alone.” He replied, taking another thread of stray hair and tucking behind Taeil’s ear. In a swift move, his hand ended up on the smaller’s chin, lifting it up so their eyes would meet.

Only his own heartbeat was heard by Taeil. Kun’s eyes sparkled going down his lips and his other hand landed on his hips. Taeil licked his lips, smiling with the taste of strawberry coming from his gloss. Grabbing Kun by the collar but not daring changing their positions, Taeil walked backwards until his back found a wall. Kun took his hand from Taeil’s body, only to place them on the wall, next to his head. Slowly but steadily he approached Taeil’s lips. The red haired’s heart was beating for the first time that night and when their lips met, the rest of the party faded away.

❊❊❊  
  


Lost in his own world, Taeil almost didn’t notice when Taeyong had finally stopped blabbering on and on about Ten the next day.

“What’s up between you and Kun?” He inquired, eyes lit up with excitement. Taeil would be appealed by his so-called friend’s interest in his love life, hadn’t he known how desperate Taeyong was for Taeil to get a boyfriend, as if Taeil was a helpless case in need of charity. Don’t mind him if he wasn’t the one who dated a boy since he was fourteen and only broke up in college so they would “find themselves in university” but remained good friends. Taeyong’s shocked expression when Taeil kindly informed he had only kissed around 5 people in his life and none of them had lasted more than two months with him was engraved on Taeil’s brain.

“No big deal.”

“You’ve been together a lot lately.” Taeyong continued, grabbing another pear from the fridge. He had only eaten fruits the whole day. Another one of his crazy diets because, according to him, he was getting fat. Never mind Taeil saying fat wasn’t a bad word or pointing out he was fatter than him, Taeyong would keep up with that routine. The red haired used to care. It would almost physically hurt him whenever Yong said that about his body, clearly not seeing anything besides his own belly button. It was too far fetched for him to even consider what that would trigger in Taeil whenever he asked if anything would make him gain weight or when he insisted everyone could get healthy if they worked hard for it. _Healthy_. Never had Taeil told him about his eating disorder during high school. He had never asked and would never understand.

“Yeah, I guess that’s the effect of two lonely people.” Taeil’s answer was given without much thought as he was trying to finish cooking as fast as possible so he could go back to his bedroom.

“Ten told me he’s been crushing on your for the longest time, but only told him that recently. He’s pretty closed to himself.” Taeil’s hand dropped from the pan. He had been the object of desire of Kun for a long time apparently. He almost let the rice burn, but thankfully Jungwoo barged in the kitchen before he could set fire to it.

❊❊❊

If there was one thing Taeil avoided it was interactions. He hated most conversations he had and counted the seconds for them to go by and it was more than common for him to try to lose himself in the crowd so he wouldn’t have to greet colleagues and such. That week, however, his lynx eyes had turned into hawk’s, ready for hunting. On the first sight of that light brown hair and pastel sweater, his fangs were already prepared.

“_You_.” He spoke out the minute his eyes landed on his prey, walking fast for no runaway to occur. He practically cornered Kun against the wall, his chin up the highest it could so they would be facing each other. “Why are you… doing this?”

Kun held on to his backpack and looked confused, but not scared. “What?”

“Telling Ten that you like me for the longest time. Am I a joke to you?”

His frown went away. Kun didn’t show any expression on his face, but his tone was enough: “No, but I’m apparently one to you.”

Taeil squinted his eyes. “Those kisses… what did they mean to you?”

“As much as my heart would like to believe they were more, I know how meaningless they are. I just couldn’t help but give in.” Taeil didn’t say a thing. Kun licked his lips constantly when talking. His dimples showed even when he didn’t smile. He always smelled like he had just gone out of the shower. With the lack of response, he returned to his kinder self: “I’m sorry if you felt like I took advantage of you in any way.”

The red haired took a step back and shook his head. “It’s not that.”

Kun raised his left eyebrow. “What is it?”

“Nothing.”

A smile, the first one in that entire conversation, appeared. “Meaningless, right?”

Taeil didn’t add anything more and Kun made his way back to class. He would get back to his routine of avoiding every interaction there could be and Kun just made his way to the top of the list.

❊❊❊

His bedroom was his conquered castle. There the dragon kept stored his gold, in the form of books and candy, and tried to avoid the presence of anyone who would disturb peace. He had just restored it only recently, if being honest. There had been some disturbance around the kingdom. Something about a knight tearing down walls or such. No need to worry anymore, Taeil was completely safe. He was almost certain until he heard voices in his dorm.

First he considered it to be Yuta and Jungwoo, probably ready to cram for their exams. Law school sure wasn’t easy. Jungwoo’s high pitched voice wasn’t heard though. Then he recognized a laugh. It had given him butterflies in his stomach two months earlier and now it was driving him to total collapse. He had always thought of calling him to his dorm, but now reality hit Taeil. Like others before, Taeyong was going to be the one to introduce him to the apartment and when Ten laid in any bed, it would be Taeyong’s bed.

Staring at the ceiling and watching his fan go round, no physical change occured to Taeil. He could spend hours staring at the ceiling, doing absolutely nothing but listen to the two of them laughing on the other side of the wall. Instead, he put on some music, but didn’t leave his place.

His door creaking open startled him and Taeil was already seated, ready to greet Ten and Taeyong the best he could when he spotted dimples he hadn’t seen in weeks.

Kun barely came in or said hi before deeply apologizing for entering the castle. He explained he was dragged there by Ten because he didn’t want to come to Taeyong’s dorm on his own and look “too easy”. Of course, he was quickly abandoned and Jungwoo insisted for him to knock on Taeil’s door. Not having any excuses on the top of his mind, there he was. Taeil could ignore him just fine, he would be there for 5 minutes and be going.

The red haired found it a strange miracle he had paid attention to every word Kun had just uttered in that short amount of time. His facial expression didn’t change, but he did make space on the bed for him and patted for him to sit on the other side.

Slowly, Kun made his way to the mattress. Seeing Kun wasn’t the one who was going to start the conversation, being more hesitant than normal, Taeil started chattering on about the last movie he had the chance to watch. There had been great critical buzz around it and, even if rarely impressed, the film had given some thrills Taeil had missed on his last trips to the theater. Kun unfortunately hadn’t seen it, but the conversation quickly turned on to the director’s previous work and Taeil found that Kun’s vast knowledge of cinema was perhaps more impressive than the movie.

As any good conversation goes, they ended up quickly changing subjects, barely having a moment of silence between them. They finally hit what was usually for any twenty year old student to talk about: university.

“How’s art going?” Taeil inquired, holding his knees close to his body and laying his chin between them.

He was quickly corrected by Kun. “History of Art.”

“Thought you painted.” Taeil frowned, almost sure he had heard Kun talking about artwork or anything of the sort.

“I like to analyze pretty things.” He shook his head and his eyes landed on Taeil’s. Boldly, Taeil held his gaze, allowing himself to finally see Kun’s pretty light brown iris. “How’s your study on beauty going?”

A sarcastic smile curled Taeil’s lips. “Simply horrifying.”

Kun didn’t insist on the matter or seemed appreciative of the wordplay. When he worded his next question, it looked like he had put some thought into it. “How can you think beauty is a standard when you don’t comply with their opinions?”

Taeil shrugged, still holding his legs. “I comply with other things. I don’t judge on beauty, but my standards are even higher. For me to like someone, they have to have their personal style and think outside the box. I’m analyzing people all the time. Including you.” For the first time that afternoon, his eyes laid on Kun’s sweater. It was bright orange, impossible to miss, but he hadn’t thought of it before. Still, seeing it now, he couldn’t understand Kun’s fashion sense. “I’m disgusting, but I can’t stop.”

“Stop saying you’re disgusting.”

“But I am.” Taeil said, trying not to get any pity. He despised people who put on an act and wouldn’t want to be one of them, especially with Kun. “You wouldn’t understand. Everyone says you’re so kind, sweet and friends with everybody. No one hates you. The same can’t be said about me.”

Kun didn’t try denying the general despite people had against Taeil, but he wasn’t one to waste time on effortless discussions in which he knew Taeil was right. “You have very strong opinions. Tell me, do you think I’m beautiful?”

Taeil changed position, dropping his knees completely. “Simply sublime.”

Kun’s eyes sparkled. “Since when?”

Always so smart, the dragon hadn’t seen the trap the knight had prepared for him. It was set up nicely, so he wouldn’t have any answer besides the truth. He had learned Kun was too smart for him to lie and say he had always taken notice in him. There was no use for untruths with Kun. “Since we kissed.”

“So beauty is subjective to you.” He smiled, dimples never as apparent as that moment where he caught Taeil. Almost livid of anger, Taeil didn’t say a word more. “Why do you still talk to Taeyong even if you don’t like him?”

He didn’t want to answer, tired of being cornered by that questioning, but his mouth followed his trail of thought. “I used to think I liked him. You gotta know a person to know where you stand with them. He is too into my life for me to just kick him out because I felt like it.”

“I think it’s better if you face it head on.” Kun said and Taeil’s heart felt his heart being squeezed in his own chest. Kun shouldn’t make assumptions about him.

“Do you like Ten?” He inquired. Ever since he started talking to Kun he had wondered about the nature of that relationship. He was the only person who seemed to be friends with both Ten and Sicheng, what was rather unusual considering most of them had migrated to the latter’s friend circle. It would be fine if Taeil could identify anything that could have brought Ten and Kun together. They seemed so distinct to him, he couldn’t quite pin their dynamic.

Kun nodded and Taeil shouldn’t be surprised. “You like everyone.”

“I like some people better than others. But generally speaking, yes.”

“How can you do it?”

To like everyone equaled to like no one in Taeil’s vision of things. Therefore, Taeil did indeed like very few people, an amount he could count with Boris Yeltsin’s left hand. It was hypocritical to like everyone, especially considering how many morally-fucked people there were.

“I guess I don’t ask much of them. Or think too much about it. I just let them be.” Kun’s smile was softer and his dimples didn’t show as much, but it was considerably warmer. His finger gently caressed the strays of hair already tucked behind Taeil’s ear.

“That makes sense. You like me because you don’t think.” The red haired said with a mocking smile and was quickly pushed lightly by the other, who chuckled and told him to shut up and that Taeil talked more than he knew. They kept up the friendly banter until they were interrupted by the now-not-so-busy Ten and Taeyong, who took Kun away.

❊❊❊

Abandoned to the mercy of Taeyong’s friends’ company in that party, Taeil was considering leaving. If he heard one of them mention their ex one more time that evening, staying at home and reading Kant’s endless quirky writings was a better option.

Lately he had reconsidered why did he go out so much if he disliked half the people he went out with. Of course, alcohol made everything much sweeter. Partying also gave him the superficial impression he was alive, living the life of a twenty year old, something he had never had the opportunity when he was a friendless high school student. Still, whenever he watched those thin wasted annoying men he reconsidered why not stay at home with the comforting presence of books and Jungwoo…

His eyes then laid on someone he for sure wasn’t expecting that evening. Kun was more gorgeous than ever, wearing a shirt with its top buttons unbuttoned and black jeans. His hair was darker than the usual light brown, but it could be due to the lighting of the party. He wasn’t alone, surrounded by his friends and seeming to be rather interest on them. Taeil’s stomach boiled. Everytime his eyes set on Kun lately he had been talking to someone. It was better this way for he wouldn’t interrupt his conversations and only greet him politely on the university halls.

That night Taeil couldn’t feel indifference. Kun was a walking god and yet didn’t spare him any attention. His heart beat faster and the only possible explanation was anger. Taeyong’s friends were at least rich and they constantly brought shots and Taeil would swallow the alcohol without thinking twice.

Loud noise, music, people talking, the party went on and Taeil was trying hard for his eyes not to travel to where Kun was. Shot by shot he was growing to be more impatient until he snapped and walked with long steps to place himself between Kun and one of his friends.

“Fuck.” Kun muttered when his eyes innaverditly fell on Taeil. The red haired smiled. He knew he was dressed to kill, dark red lipstick enhancing his lips and cropped top showing a little of his belly, along with high waisted jeans. His jeans were ripped and he was wearing pantyhose under it. It was one of his favorite looks. Yet, Kun’s reaction made his confidence burst out.

“What?” He inquired, with a flavor of naivety that didn’t quite match his clothes. Kun shook his head, completely lost. He was trying hard for his eyes not to settle on the person right in front of him but failing terribly.

“I can’t stand being next to you now.” Kun blurted out his confession. One of his friends tried to intervene between the two but Kun brushed him away and they were left alone.

“Why not?” Playing clueless, Taeil started trailing his fingers up and down Kun’s chest, starting just on the edge between chest and shirt, but not daring to touch Kun’s skin. Both of them halted their breath and Taeil’s stomach stopped boiling, but was even fuzzier inside.

The taller man cursed again: “Fuck. You can’t do this to me.”

Taeil raised one eyebrow and stopped his hand for a second. It seemed to have an effect to Kun and so he smiled and went on, fingers finally touching his skin. “Tell me what and I’ll stop.” He whispered teasingly.

Kun sighed, but accepted his defeat. He approached Taeil and stopped when his face was only a few centimeters away from his face. The red haired had the pleasure of closing the distance between their lips.

Not wanting to disturb others, they moved to darker places in the party, where Kun put him against the wall and Taeil wrapped his legs around Kun’s waist, as the brown haired left hickeys everywhere. Taeil could have sworn he heard him murmuring “You’re gorgeous, you know that?” among other sweet nothings.

❊❊❊

Taeil expected he would go to Ten’s party only feeling indifference. A different sort than the one before, but indifference nonetheless.

Things between him and his beautiful friend had gotten better. Taeil decided it was better to tell Taeyong living with him was killing him inside and found that telling even a little of the truth didn’t cause any harm. He didn’t dare say the reason behind his feelings, yet Taeyong said that sometimes friends needed space. Somehow he had some wisdom inside him and that amazed Taeil. He would like to see more of it in the future. Sharing an apartment with Yuta and Jungwoo had become quite a dream, their spirit matching his much more, and they were the ones who dragged him to the party.

His presence was, of course, of pure importance, as the man who presented Ten’s boyfriend to him. Ten would probably thank him in his drunk birthday speech while Taeil would try hard not to die of boredom and pretend he had made everything on purpose, with a sly smile curling his lips and that would be the most eventful that night would get.

Unexpectedly, his indifference faded the minute his eyes laid on a light brown haired beauty who avoided looking at him. Fate had brought them together once again, for Taeil had no choice but to greet the birthday boy and couldn’t ignore the friend next to him. Taeil had heard he had gone back to China to visit his parents, but perhaps Taeyong didn’t know everything after all.

Ten smiled cheerfully. Seeing Taeil his eyes disappeared for a second and it warmed Taeil’s heart again a little, though much work was needed before he would ever feel comfortable around Ten as before. The man next to him smiled too, but Taeil could see right through it. The three chatted a bit, sharing how the semester and endless calendar of social endeavors that was February, when the social glue had to go handle the matters of talking to the rest of his friends in his party, leaving Taeil to the mercy of Kun.

He was, once again, looking dashingly gorgeous, though if Taeil was being honest, there was nothing different about his clothes. A cute dark red university hood made him look fluffier than ever and Taeil couldn’t help but think it matched with his own red hair and lipstick. Kun switched his weight between his feet and Taeil thought he was going to leave him standing alone.

“Hate me already? I knew you would.”

Kun huffed. “I don’t hate you.”

Taeil didn’t believe him. Not after having ignored his messages for weeks and having not met him in university halls for a while. The last time he had talked to Kun they had almost ended the night in Taeil’s dorm, but one of Kun’s friends decided to interrupt them.

“It’s okay, I’m disgusting, why would you-“ Taeil said, with an easy going smile, but was interrupted by Kun, who suddenly snapped.

“Stop saying you’re disgusting. Also, stop saying you’re lonely when you push everyone away.” After his sudden burst, Kun stopped himself to breathe in. He spoke in a softer tone. “Why did you do that? Kiss and ignore me? When you know I like you? Do you hate me? Tell me the truth.”

“I hate you with every fiber of my being. There's no particular reason apart from you being so beautiful. Beauty is such a loathsome thing for a hideous being like I am." Taeil said, anger and spite dripping from every single word he pronounced.

“Selfdestructing is nice when you don’t believe in anything anymore.” Kun said, with a sad smile on his lips.

“I don’t _feel_ anything.”

“Except hate.”

“You see, Kun? You could never truly like me. There’s a reason why I look like this. My shell is a warning for no one to get close.” He was an empty shell. Taeil couldn’t say if there ever was a pearl stored deep inside him, if it was stolen or had self destructed or perhaps was never there, but inside him there was a desert.

Kun looked around for the first time in their conversation and seemed to fall back to the reality they were at a party surrounded by people. He grabbed Taeil’s wrist, who made no movement to stop his touch, and dragged him to what was possibly Ten’s bedroom, his grip being as light as of a ghost.

His wrist was let go when they got to the bedroom. Kun closed the door behind him and turned to Taeil.

“Stop trying to break me, I’m above Taeyong or Ten.” Kun said, but Taeil just shrugged. The brown haired took a step closer to him. “I won’t let you win this. You want to know what beauty is? Beauty is when you smile after you’ve had your argument beaten. It’s always a smile that means ‘I know more than you but I have nothing to say’ and it makes my heart stop, because I know I’ve impressed you somehow. Beauty is when your hair falls over your forehead while you’re kissing me and I have the pleasure to tug it behind your ear and bring your mouth close to mine again. Beauty is when you look at me, in this sea of people, with bright eyes and, for a second, it looks like I’m the only one who can save you from the mess society is. There’s a reason why you find yourself so disgusting, you are openly against anything beautiful, so how could you ever not hate yourself?”

Only when Taeil let go of his breath, he knew he was holding it. Kun was fiercer than ever when he started delivering his speech, but sentence by sentence his voice got toned lower and he approached Taeil even more so his words were for his ears only.

“That’s the most you’ve ever spoken to me.” The red-haired choked out, heart beating fast with each step Kun took towards him.

“I regret nothing.” Kun declared. Taeil had no choice, but to close the space between them, chests touching. His eyes dropped to Kun’s lips. “Do not kiss me again if you don’t know what you want with me.”

He raised his eyes to meet Kun’s and went forward, their lips meeting again. Kun was clearly still holding on to his anger, but soon let it fade away in the warmth of Taeil’s mouth. He placed his hands on Taeil’s hips and they started taking unknown steps in the direction of Ten’s bed, not disconnecting their lips. Taeil’s hands went to Kun’s hair and nape, kissing him intensely.

“You’re so fucking _cheesy_, did you know that?” He muttered out when they fell on the bed. Kun laughed, his dimples appearing, and kissed Taeil again.

Taeil felt his heart beating, his hands sweating and chills running all over his body as he sat on Kun’s lap. Kun’s heart also beat fast and Taeil could feel his lover’s hands trembling. It finally hit him how much meaning that kiss had for both of them and how every single time they’ve kissed before also had its own twisted meaning behind them. He had never seen it before, but luckily he now had Kun to help him see what his eyes failed to notice at first.

**Author's Note:**

> tw: brief mention of past eating disorder, but it’s very light. it’s in the paragraph that starts with “you’ve been together a lot lately”. 
> 
> also slight nsfw for the entirety of the fic, that never ends in sex 
> 
> i write taeil fics and nct text aus
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/thegreatmoon94)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/thegreatmoon94)
> 
> [carrd](https://gardenofwords.carrd.co/)
> 
>   
xx  
sol


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